“Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something.” – H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Few days ago, there were lots of arguments in my family. All of us didn’t feel very appreciated, and didn’t feel like this was a family. We were pointing fingers at one another, saying that he was the one that didn’t care about the family, and that she didn’t care about others’ feelings, and all that stuff. These past 3 days were supposed to be a weekend and a school holiday. Unfortunately, it has been so far a living hell.
I think the scariest feeling in the world is not fear. It’s indifference. Unfortunately, that was what I felt when my mom left the house. Yes, my mom. Yes, she left the house. Yes, I felt indifferent towards it. I recently stumbled upon this term online called ‘narcissistic mother’. And, as I researched more about this topic, I realised my mom almost perfectly fits every description. It’s very difficult to describe to people who’ve never been through this kind of situation how it feels like to have a narcissistic mother around you. The general public might try to be nice, and offer advice, such as “Maybe you could talk to her nicely.” or “Why not both of you go for treatment and counselling?” Well, here’s a excerpt from the website http://www.narcissisticmother.com :
“Narcissistic moms blame everyone else, and too often their children, for the consequences their own self absorbed choices have caused. It often falls to friends and family members to point out the extreme oddity of the narcissistic mother’s ways and recommend treatment. Even when offered help, a narcissist is more likely to be offended than to seek treatment.
Ironically, though the people around the narcissistic mother can identify the source of their suffering, the narcissist does not believe she is the one who should change.
Therefore, it is unlikely your mother sought treatment for narcissism. In contrast, she may have put you in treatment with the hope that you would become easier to deal with.
Children and spouses are the ones who often suffer most, not the narcissist themselves, because the narcissist doesn’t feel that their chronically self-absorbed behavior is just that. Quite the opposite, actually. The narcissistic mother feels that everyone else is at fault when things go wrong.
As a child, you had to learn from very early on how to please your mother enough to survive. You may have grown up to think that nothing you ever do is good enough and that you are not worthy of the love you desire.
Narcissism, at its extreme, is a mental disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder, (NPD), characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, fantasies of success, power, and physical attractiveness that the person may or may not possess, a constant need for attention and admiration, and obsessive self-interest. These are the obvious symptoms that people think of when they think of the term “narcissism.””
Well, I told my mom about this. And, you might be able to guess her reaction.
For someone who has been living with her for years, and seeing the impacts she has created on our family and the people around her, I honestly felt severely depressed. I felt that parents should provide love and support for their children, and to live a regretful, hateful, depressing life is what an irresponsible parent does. You see, children are a mirror of their parents. They learn from the examples they see, they sympathise with the parents’ emotions at first, and then grow up to make their own decisions. Unfortunately, the decisions these children grow up to make will be based on what they have experienced as a child. If they have learnt the right values, experienced happiness and contentment with their lives, their decisions will be for the betterment of others. They understand that happiness is not meant to be given to others, but shared with others. However, if your childhood has been scarred with unhappiness, fighting and arguments, your decisions might be very self-centred, materialistic and unreasonable at times. And that’s how the indifference came into my life.
I was watching Nick Vujicic speak in the Philippines the other day, about stepping out in faith. One of the things he said was “having parents who fight every day is worse than having no arms and no legs”. You might ask why. Having been through this hours ago, the reason is simple: There is no love experienced. According to Stephen Covey, Love is an action. It isn’t simply just a surreal feeling you get when you’re with the person you love, or the temporary pleasure you get when you succumb to your addictions. Love isn’t always bliss and positive. Love is an action, it is the immensely difficult choices we have to make in life, for the betterment of others. Love is the sacrifices we have to make for others. Albert Einstein once said, “A life lived for others is a life worthwhile.” Yes, because there’s love involved. Love is the action, the driving force which makes the world go round. Unfortunately, I’m not fully blessed with that action, or at least I don’t really feel much of its effects hence the indifference. However, I will strive to begin to make a positive impact on the people around me. I hope to start small. I won’t let my childhood, parents or circumstances stop me.
Many people think you have to give in to your parents all the time, simply because they’re your parents and because they gave you life and groomed you into the person you are today. Even the Ten Commandments say that we have to honour our parents. Unfortunately, as I’ve said above, life isn’t so easy as it seems. I believe that yes, we should thank our parents for giving us life and introducing us to this world. But ultimately, this life is ours, and we have to live it for ourselves and not for them. Think about it, they might soon pass on and we are left to stand up for ourselves in this large, cold society. And that’s where I bring in loss. When you face the loss of your parents, do you lose yourself too? Are you able to make your own decisions, have faith in yourself, and make a living for yourself too? In the end, this life is ours, not our parents’. Some of us are “lucky” enough to go through the hardships early in life, such as the loss of a parent, or the struggles faced, whether financially or socially.
I guess I learnt this over the past three days: Life, Love and Loss. I feel that sometimes I lost my parents, although they may seem to love and care for me. Why? Many parents think their parenting is good because they provide for their children’s needs. But they seldom stop to think if their children really need it at that point in time. In fact, the consequence might be the other way round, and the child isn’t able to make his own decisions, and worse case scenario, be mocked at by his parents for making the wrong decisions, which might affect his self-esteem very severely. Honestly speaking, if my family needs to break up for everyone’s happiness, then so be it. However, some people might argue “The grass always seem greener on the other side”, while others might say “Do whatever makes you feel happy”. That’s why, I really don’t know what to do.
Life, Love & Loss. Sometimes, I really feel I’m losing myself.
“Don’t be afraid. Just have faith.” – Mark 5:36, New Living Translation.